Interesting Thursday

An email can change your entire day, you know? I've had 3 of them in the last week and I've had about as much as I can take.

The first email was from an acquaintance telling me that a friendship I thought I had established was, in fact, entirely fictional. Fictional? I wrote emails and had chats with this person online... or so I thought. This person exists, but never wrote to me. In fact, the acquaintance did that. It was some new information about an old situation that I had resolved months ago, so I just kinda let it roll off my shoulders, but still... really unnerving.

The second email was from an old boyfriend. It was sad and sweet all at the same time and made me smile quite a bit. I was flattered as he reminisced about our old days and how the connection between us would always be there, even if we haven't seen each other for years and years. Walking down memory lane really made me examine how far I've come in my self respect and all of the lessons I've learned from all those I've loved.

I even took some time to give thanks for the lessons in each of my relationships ~
From M, I learned to be patient and what it feels like to be proud of your partner
From B, I learned how to stand up for myself
From N, I learned never to compromise my own beliefs
From S, I learned how to let someone go and that it's ok to be friends
From M, I learned that it's ok to be wild and free and uncontained
From E, I learned that you can't will things into being
From C, I learned that being a woman is beautiful and powerful
From G, I learned true tenderness and strength
and Lord knows I am still learning lessons from Lindi, only one of which is how to be a good mom and another is how to be a kid at heart.

I have been so blessed to have all these people in my life to take with me on my journey - simply because they are all still with me, everyday, helping me to make the decisions I make, shaping me to be who I am. I used to regret things I've done, but I've transitioned into acceptance, I think, only because I am not the person now I was back then.

And the final email was one that cemented in my mind just how far I've come. Actions I took in regard to another relationship hurt someone I care the world for. Of course, I had no idea, and it's all a huge misunderstanding. Rather than crying in the corner and begging for forgiveness, which I probably would have done as little as 6 months ago, I calmly explained the situation, that there was nothing to be upset about, apologized, and in my heart, gave permission for the situation to be whatever it's going to be. If this friend chooses to remain in my life, it is her choice. It is out of my control.

I know who I am. I know my value. I don't hurt people on purpose for any reason. But sometimes, in the course of life, you will do something that hurts someone in a domino-effect kind of way. You won't know you've done it until the damage is done, even if it is a misunderstanding. So, the best I can do is apologize and leave it in her corner. If she knows my heart like I think she does, then she will choose to remain in my circle. If not, then I wish her the best on her journey. My energy remains within and with those who I love and who reciprocate and can see the radiance of my heart.