Monday, May 17, 2004

I Wanna Be A Cowboy, Bay-bee

This was a good weekend, all in all. Lots of learning and introspective thought and a bit of cleaning house.

Friday night was a quiet night, dinner, TV and sleep since both Lindi and Sarah had to work in the morning.

I woke up on Saturday and was inspired to do a little cleaning. So I dove into the closet (stop laughing) and pulled out clothes I haven’t worn in 6 months, sorted them into boxes or throw out bags, then started on my shoes. I only kept 6 pairs of shoes. That’s it. I put all of our Rubbermaid containers back in the closet in a nice and orderly fashion, and then started on the shelves. My clothes took up 3 of the 6 shelves in our closet. They only take up one now. Karen came over to use the computer and we chatted while I went through clothes and found some beautiful work clothes both she and Summer could wear – so they were sent next door. There are three large bags of clothes that I can either toss or set aside for our HUGE multi-family yard sale on June 19th. Lindi was quite surprised when she came home – it is something she’s wanted me to do ever since we moved in together. She has more room, and I arranged the closet so her work clothes hang perfectly after I iron them. Big pet peeve.

Saturday night, we were childless, so we decided to spend time together, having dinner and relaxing, even going to bed early. I couldn’t sleep, so I snuck off to the computer and cleaned off a lot of old files on the hard drive, burned some CDs to get songs off the hard-drive, ran cleanup and defrag, and now my computer is a whole new being. It runs so much faster, it's unbelievable.

Sunday, we woke up late and got ready for brunch with friends at Squatters. It was great to connect with them after so long, and it's almost for sure that I will be working USANA again this year for Wasatch Pizza. I guess it helps to know the owners. All the proceeds from that will go to the Alaska fund, that's for sure. I forgot how much I love Squatters, especially for Sunday brunch – they have $1 Mimosas and Bloody Marys! MMMMMmmmm... Mimosas.

We came home from brunch and talked some more, took a nap and then got ready for Sunday dinner with Lindi's family. Instead of dinner at the family abode, we tromped off to Red Lobster, since Lindi's mom didn't really want to cook. Lobster, crab, shrimp – everything was perfect. Beth is still having morning sickness, but she was luckily able to handle the smells in the restaurant without being sick. The rest of the evening was spent with my girls at home, burning CDs, listening to music and just enjoying one another's company.

I did have my first dream about Bill & Beth's baby, and it was a curly redheaded boy. I will wait for 2 more dreams before my gut tells me for sure. I have yet to be wrong, so we will see. Watch it – this baby will be the one to break the streak!

And, back at work, plugging away. Sometimes I think I need a vacation from my weekend.

I also took stock in the dynamics of some of my relationships and stood up for myself for once. I expressed my feelings to a friend, who in turn, took on my pain. For that, I am sorry. I am not sorry for how I felt or for trusting my friend with my feelings, but I am sorry she took them on. This has seemed to cause a ripple effect, with people making statements about it.

So, here is my statement.

Honestly, I am glad I have friends such as these who are willing to stick up for themselves and for one another. Truthfully, however, this was my issue. I entrusted someone with my emotions and rather than receiving feedback, I now feel guilty for it. This is exactly why I have lived my entire life with a filter. Look what happens when I don't.

I realize people have lives outside of me. That's the way it should be. We are not one incestuous group of people who need to be constantly in each other's lives and business.

All I have ever asked was to be included. I am sorry if that is too much for certain people to do. Their loss.

I never said my friend was a bad person, a bad friend, not willing to help anyone out. I never said my friend was negative or a lousy human being. I never said this person was responsible for everyone - and in fact said the exact opposite. I never said any of these things! I am sorry that is all she seemed to hear when I talked about my feelings of hurt and how I should get past them. I have emailed a detailed apology, and have yet to receive a response. The ball is in your court.

I refuse to continue to make myself physically ill over it anymore.

This whole fucking thing was blown way out of proportion. No one needs to make statements about statements about shit. This has to do with me. Frankly, if anyone wants to remain my friend, they will take the good with the bad, because there is a lot of good that comes. I tend to be thoughtful, giving, loving, spontaneous, nurturing and supportive no matter what. I cherish my friends and love them unconditionally. There is no need to pin our entire friendship on the fact that I had a painful emotional day.

And, whether or not anyone likes it, Sarah is my daughter. She is my responsibility and my joy. I plan on having another child within the next two years. I will not apologize for being a mother, or for enjoying being a mother, even when things are difficult. I am sorry if that is too much for some people to comprehend. I thought we were all above that.

I guess I will learn to keep my opinions and feelings to my own fucking self.

Drink of the day: Cafe Mocha x espresso
CD on the Playa: Bill's Work CD #3


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