Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Rising Above...

I had an extremely powerful reading with Kristen last evening. I am certain I cried through the majority of it, but I am also certain I needed to. The previous readings I have had with her were happy, playful but intuitive readings. This one was different, it was powerful, emotional and draining.

Nothing came as a surprise to me, but it was good to have a little guidance in a whirlwind of uncertainty. I tried not to take too much of her energy, but my emotions just overflowed and I cried and cried.

Highlights? Hmmm... without too much detail:

I am coming to a place of truth and clarity. My illusions are bursting and I am getting real. And it’s painful. I am completing a cycle, something is ending, something else is beginning. Something major is going to shift in the next few months. I am being asked to heal an old pattern of looking for validation elsewhere in life in relationships. I am to start parenting myself, taking care of my emotional needs, and be available for me. I am a romantic and tend to "triangulate". Meaning, I have a primary relationship and I get something going on the side, whether it be an intense friendship, love interest or activity to distract from the primary focus. I am avoiding intimacy that way... keeping options open, knowing where my escape routes are.

I am very afraid right now – very despairing. I am afraid about money, relationships, health. I am to name the fear so it’s not just rolling around. I am to stop the worry cycle, stop the anxiety. It is impacting my health.

I will find my own heart, find my internal lover, find my center, find my own vision, express my emotions. I have to express what I need. Lots of communication. Write to get clarity. It is a powerful time to get some therapy for an outlet, for support, for mirroring. It would be a good idea for me to get regular counseling, regular support, get some coaching, as I will need help to navigate.

As I work to coming to center, to authentic self, to communicating truth, I will have a creative and spiritual breakthrough. It is a loaded time, very powerful time. I am waking up from illusion. But the gift of it is finding my truth. That is where true creativity, true faith lives. Just breathe.

I am really wanting to grow up, not wanting to settle, wanting a loving and empowering relationship with someone to show up to comfort a terrified little kid.

To get there, I must find the positive. I must get moving. I must own my emotions. I must communicate.

Like I said, it was a very powerful, tumultuous reading. There’s a lot more that I won’t be sharing, but there it is in a nutshell.

She recommended a kinesiologist, which essentially is a doctor who treats physical pain and emotional pain, as they are tied to one another. By alleviating emotional pain, it frees up the body to release the physical pain and heal itself. I made an appointment for July. He’s pretty booked.

I went home, ate dinner and collapsed into sleep. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. This morning, I still am. I feel empty, like a cup that had been filled with black oil, poured out and cleaned and I am ready to be filled with crystal clean water. I had been holding a lot inside and it helped to get it all out.

Luckily for me, I get to have lunch with Steph & Kristen tomorrow, so I will be able to talk about happy things and reconnect with them. I have missed them so much. I think I will tell them so.

I think I will start telling everyone.


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