Wow

19 days since my last post. Must be some kind of record...

So, it's 1am and I can't sleep. Seems to be the norm lately. I am sleeping a lot but just not at night. Luckily for me it's the weekend so I don't have to stress about not going to work tomorrow.

Things are... Well, things, I guess. I had a complication and they've had to remove 1/3 of the skin from around my left breast and a smaller section on my right. My surgeon didn't like the way it was healing... so she cut it off. Large open wounds. Yea. She did refer me to a wound care specialist, so when I'm not in bed, I'm either at work or at the dr's office. It doesn't look like I will lose any more tissue or skin, so that's good news. Bad news is I have to stay bandaged for another month. No Victoria Secret shopping sprees for me for a while.

All of this staying in bed and pain medication has worked a serious toll on my emotions. I am battling (and winning) a bout of deep depression, with the help of my beautiful wife and a few very close friends and family. I have come to accept a lot of truths and am still working some other things out, but I will be okay.

I feel well enough to work 4 hours a day, which helps ease the cabin fever a bit. I've been able to go out and visit people a little more than before, so it's been nice to have that interaction. Lord knows I haven't really sat down to read email until tonight... 422 in Yahoo and 57 in comcast. Wow. The Viagra salespeople really missed me. I must start checking it daily.

I think one thing I realized through my recovery is who in my life are real and who aren't. Sounds funny, I know, but what I mean is who in my life have extended a hand or a phone call during the recovery, who came to visit, who made an effort to be there for me - and who really didn't care enough to ask until they saw me. "Oh, yeah, you had that surgery, right?" Not that I penalize them for it, there are levels to all relationships. But it really makes me grateful for the true relationships I have and the people I know I can count on.

Some of those that I couldn't count on surprised me. I tried to keep all my friends in the "loop" as it were, so it was no surprise to anyone... and yet, no phone call or even an arbitrary get-well email. I have to question if they really cared or are just so wrapped up in their own lives that they really didn't give a damn. Even my online and blog buddies sent me notes of encouragement that meant the world to me - and I haven't met them IRL (Thank you by the way - you are sweethearts).

I question extending myself to people - availing myself - through the events that are important to them when they don't return the same.

I am not happy about being bound to a house or drugged up half the time, and I would think I would have oodles of people to rally around me. On the other hand, the pessimistic hand, I wonder if I am just not important enough to them to warrant it. And that makes me angry. Angry that I've spend time out of my life to support them in any way I can and they don't see my value.

I see my value, though, which is better than I've been in the past.

So, I am contented with the knowledge that I have a wife and daughter who love me, a family who supports me and a few, very close friends, who will probably never know how much I love them and appreciate everything they do for me.

This semi-reclusive life I've lead over the past 45 days or so has shown me one thing I guess - my true friends and my self esteem.

Just something I am batting around in my head at 1am.