Thursday, January 24, 2002

DayQuil Is My Friend

It finally caught up with me..the dredded cold from hell. Came down with it on Friday night as I was coming home from work. I had just enough strength to make a special dinner for my parents then hit the pillow. Stayed in bed ALL WEEKEND, with notable exception of trying to go shopping with The Mom. The pain in my chest was almost unbearable, I was shaking uncontrollably and bursting into tears if anyone touched me. Breathing was a luxury. Called in on Monday, worked until my voice ran out on Tuesday and am almost back to strength. I know this would have turned worse if I hadn't of quit smoking, so I am grateful.

It is amazing how staying in bed for long periods of time gets you thinking. It has been hard moving back with the parents, even though I know it will be for the best. When you are in such a transitional place, you start thinking about your choices, your relationships, and your future.

I have gotten a lot of advice from a lot of people after G and I split, and a great deal of it has been helpful. I am so blessed with family and friends, I thank God everyday. But it is interesting how people who have never gone through what I have seem to think they know the perfect solution.

I have a sort-of friend who is just plum peachy with her life, has everything the way she wants it and wants everyone to be happy and secure. She has never been married, let alone for 7 years, gone through financial and health problems and has never gone through any kind of degree of divorce. She has never had to support herself, hell, she ever even roomed in a dorm, let alone been responsible for a household. But she seems to think she has all the answers.

Not that I would ever turn down warm-intended advice, but I have decided that maybe I should take a closer look at the sources of the advice than the advice itself. Throughout this whole emotionally brutal event, some of the best friends I could ever ask for have simply just been there. Not offered any pearls of wisdom, just called and said, "I am here. I am thinking of you." Nothing more. Jennifer is a prime example of that. I am so lucky that she and I have worked out any adolescent angst we may have had and are still friends. The Group has been so wonderfully supportive, too, it has been incredible. I may not be a social butterfly, but it helps to be invited anyway, to feel included.

I know it doesn't sound like much, but in reality, it is everything. Just knowing you can call people and not have to be clever or chipper or anything but who you are at that exact moment.

And it also helps to get the Bullshit out of your life. An overlooked point, but so vital to me right now. No more bullshit. I don't have time. That includes Bullshit friendships that I have been hanging onto for too long that are simply frayed edges of an ideal long lost; Bullshit perceptions, of others, of myself; Bullshit fences and defenses, it is OKAY for me to still love G and want to be around her and yet not be married to her and, No, I DON'T have to explain it to anyone but me.

I am rebuilding, and I want to build something strong and honorable and REAL. And the first thing I need to do is be real with myself. I am only investing in friendships and relationships which nuture me, not hinder me. If I have to work twice as hard to keep a friendship going as I once did, then maybe the friendship isn't worth saving. And I DON'T have to be the one to keep the friendship going in the first place. I am worth the time others take to get to me. I am worth the phone calls, the emails. I am worth the effort. I am worth keeping in touch with. I am worthy, period, and I don't have to be happy, chipper, everyone-pleasing-me to be worthy.

Now before anyone starts ranting, I am not speaking about anyone in particular. I can see trends all around me, and I am just going to give it up to the Universe and let it handle the situation. But I am not going to be sad to see the bad things, and people, go. I used to be horrified of losing anyone as a friend, as if that was a reflection on me. It is, but not in the same way. My reflection, just like my face, changes each passing year, and the things I need to sustain me change, and so, too, do the people I need around me.

So, that's where I am. Those who invest the time to read my blog are probably people who have invested time in me and know I was coming to this point anyway. Isn't it ironic that the people who probably need to see this the most won't...

On a Lighter Note

JJ is COMPLETELY insane about my 30th b-day. The theme has been picked, the plans are well on their way. So, as if 8 months were not enough freakin' notice, KEEP SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 7th OPEN. It will be in a hotel suite (so I can pass out pretty safely), there will be a costume-based theme, dancing, food, basically a MAJOR BLOWOUT. I hope to find out which hotel so those who would like to partake of alcoholic spirits can book their own room early to pass out in so we won't have any drinking drivers. It might be nice for a mini-vacation for those who are couple oriented, too. I didn't want to go to Wendover or Vegas/Mequite so that everyone would at least be able to attend the party even if they couldn't take a weekend. JJ and I might need a little help, so I hope a couple of you guys will be available.


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