Wednesday, August 07, 2002

I Should be Working on AVON

... but I'm not. I am not doing much of anything tonight. I just kinda hit a low today. Everything, every emotion, feeling, sensation was magnified for some odd reason. And when I went to sit down to work on my business, full of energy and spirit, I saw the picture of Scott... and started to silently cry. Haven't stopped, really. And I don't think I will for a while.

You know, so many people expect me to have these little breakdowns and emotional surges, and certianly after something like this. "Oh, it's just Connie, the little Virgo with the big gushy heart..." But, you know, for once, I am grateful I have the capacity to feel these emotions. To love someone so much that the loss of them in my life becomes a profound experience - it makes me realize that I don't love "little", and what a gift that is. If I have told you I Love You in the last few days, weeks, years... it's because I do, and if I lost your force in my life, I would weep for you, as I am weeping for Scott. Not for where he is or what he did, but for what could have been. I will miss him

I found a bunch of pictures from 1991 Spring Fling for Dylans birthday. We were all so much younger (and thinner) and I almost gasped when I realized there are pictures of not only Scott, but Marc Atkinson. All the memories came rushing back... wine coolers and Smoking Toni with the long red nails.... Kickball in the baseball diamond at Whittier.... I am so grateful to have that one day in time frozen and all the years of ridicule over being "snap happy" are worth it.

And I have been thinking of Jeff a lot lately, too, even dreamed about him last night. I hope you are well, Jeff. I hope to see more of you soon, and in a better circumstance. And I did mean it when I told you I love you.


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