I feel a lot better. I can’t say I really got any sleep, but I am doing better this morning. I think I am having early PMS symptoms because everything over the last few days has pissed me off. Even the little things. The guy cutting me off on the way to work or the co-worker who didn’t fill the paper in the printer and leaves me to do it. It just seemed like I was the brunt of every joke, the last to be thought of, constantly being taken advantage of in this and that or the other thing, and just generally picked on (Don’t worry, there is an up-side to this pity-fest).
And then I realized I was taking it out on the people that really have mattered most in my life. They certainly don’t deserve it, and I apologize for harsh words and hurt feelings. I love you dearly, and you know who you are, and I know I can have bad moments. I'm sorry.
In thinking what could have been the catalyst for all of the bad energy, I realized that death has touched me FOUR times in the past 6 days. Two Co-workers, my lovely Lori and my cubie-mate Olga, both lost their grandfather and their father respectively, within 2 days of one another. Not that I knew either of them, but they both had lingering illnesses (cancer and heart failure) so their challenges and grief while their loves ones were passing became OUR challenges, as well. Then Dan, which I haven't allowed myself to think about much (I'm not ready). Then yesterday, while looking for Lori's grandfather's obituary, I find an obituary of one of my old college newspaper photgraphers, who also did all our photography for the Academy, Ed, apparently hit by a car. Add to that my grandfather is back on oxygen, can't feel his feet to walk, and refuses to tell our family what exactly is wrong with him so we can help him - and the lingering, nagging feeling that this is going to be his last Christmas - and I just seem surrounded by death - and I hate it. I realize death is a part of life, but I feel like I have been swimming in it lately and I am drowning.
Sometimes you have to forgive yourself before you can start to apologize for the wrongs you have done. So, today, I forgive myself any shortcomings I may have, any oversights I have made, and will move on fresh from this day.
I came into work today to find a beautifully decorated red bag FULL of my favorite chocolates, Lindor Truffles, and a gorgeous hand-painted ornament (a heart, painted red, white and blue) with a card from my boss, Kirsten. I was grateful for the thought, especially after we all worked so hard on the decorations for the office. Kirsten is cute like that, and it is really beautiful…
CONGRATULATIONS CHET AND SHANE ON YOUR NEW HOME!!!
I am excited and proud of you two. May your home be a shelter from the cold, a hearth for the heart and a haven for your family and friends. I love you both.
I called the Tobacco Quit Line and set a date to quit smoking. .. January 10th. A co-worker is doing it on January 1st... I think I need a little more time than that. They are sending me a packet of materials and some referrals for support as well as checking my insurance to see if they can supply me with the patch. She gave me some good "Getting Started" tips based on other people's successes... and they make sense. So, wish me luck!
Drink of the day: Irish Creme' Cafe'
CD on the Playa: Josh Groban... I needed him today!
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