Monday, May 17, 2004

And I Am Reminded

A voice from long ago and deep inside of me crept up during the last few days and said, "Enough."

It said, "You don't have to be anything to anyone except what you want to be to yourself."

For the guidance of others, I am grateful. But this is my experience and my reality, no one elses.

I am not perfect. I don't try to be - anymore. I refuse to be labled by anyone - anymore.

I am getting real with those around me and I know some cannot and will not like it. I may lose friends I have had my whole life. I may alienate even more. My family may shake their heads at me and wonder what is going on.

Regardless, at the very least, I can say, "This is me. No filter. No pretense. This is who I am and how I feel and what I think. I don't apologize for any of it - anymore."

I will not pussy-foot around the truth anymore to please a world I cannot control, nor have I ever controlled. I will not adapt myself to what other people want me to be, think or feel.

I am my number one priority. My health, physically and emotionally, is in peril and I will rectify that. I will no longer ask permission to take care of myself. As long as I am alright with myself, then I have done what I am here on this earth to do. I cannot take care of anyone if I am in shambles.

This is it. Take it or leave it. Talk to me in honesty. No sugar coating. It serves no purpose.

If you can handle a relationship based on honesty, then you will probably be okay with everything. It's really not my concern if you are or you aren't. You will do what's right for you. I cannot change you or your feelings.

My hope, however, is that those who know me the best and have seen me at my worst will stick around. If not, then it is what is meant to be.

I am grateful for the lesson.


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