Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Nothing Else Matters

After a tough day at work, I came home a little a lot exhausted and worn out. As I walked in the door, a voice from upstairs yelled, “Drop your stuff and come upstairs. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.”


Okay, I thought, and headed upstairs to find my wifey and my daughter had set up dinner in the bedroom. I was informed that it was pamper Connie day, and was shown a bag of my favorite chips, one of my favorite pastries, my favorite cookies, two Diet Cokes and dinner from my favorite Chinese American Restaurant. I was told to get in my jammies and relax.

I was so touched by their thoughtfulness. Lindi ran off for a minute and Sarah came to me and said, "You don’t have to tell me what’s wrong if you don’t want to, but if you do, I am here." I hugged her tight and started to cry (I’m even tearing up as I type this). I told her that it’s all going to be okay and that I love her and I hope she knows it. She said she does, and comforted me with sweet words and gentle, soothing caresses.

What an amazing heart my daughter has. I think if she could have taken my internal pain inside herself, she would have done it. Even at 15, I can see the wonderful woman she will become.

So, we enjoyed sesame chicken, pork lo mein, lemon chicken, crab & cream cheese wonton and rice and watched MTV’s Inferno (I am a total Real World addict) and just were. They played cards for a while and we just relaxed with one another for the evening. It was wonderful to be around people with no judgement who just care about you and what you are going through.

While watching TV, someone on a show said something that completely caught me off guard and has stuck with me even this morning. "Love and Fear cannot live in the same house."

What does that really mean? After giving it some real thought, I came to the conclusion that it simply means you cannot live in one and have the other in your heart, as they cannot exist together side by side. Either you love, or you are afraid. So, to be afraid that you will lose those you love means you aren’t loving them to your full capacity to begin with. How truly profound.

My new focus now will be to live fearless so that I may love to my full extent – and maybe for the first time, love freely and openly. I have been paralyzed by fear for many years, and it was such a central theme in my recent reading, that it’s obvious that I have been operating out of my fear alone. As Kristen said, I am in fight or flight.


I am still pretty wiped out today, and I have a headache I hope my coffee and some Tylenol will cure. I am going to try and really apply myself today at work and get as much done as humanly possible. Stretch my legs, so to speak.

Shout outs for the day:
G-fry, I’m sorry – I didn’t send your card yet. I will put it in the box when I get home. Sorry I’ve been so flakey.
Tubbs – quit working so damned hard. You need to enjoy being 18.
Tre – still waiting to hear about your weekend, girl!
Pixie – hope you are feeling better.
Maine – I still want you to be my baby’s daddy. *chuckle*

Drink of the day: Raspberry Café Mocha with x espresso
CD on the Playa: Bill’s "A little bit of everything" – I only have about 10 more CDs to go through! He has some great music compilations. Where can you find Lords of Acid, Metallica, Depeche Mode and the Eagles on the same CD?


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