Monday, October 14, 2002

A Wonderful Weekend… and a Lot of Contemplation

I apologize for not blogging lately. My life has been really hectic. The Mom had surgery, which always seems to put undue stress on me, whether by my need to take care of her, or other expectations that I have to.

Work has been going as well as can be expected, I suppose. I celebrated my one year anniversary on the 8th and was given a dozen red roses… and no raise. *shrug* I knew THAT was going to happen. Generally, though, things have been smoother than before, and there has been less stress and more business.

I decided to take a break from AVON for the next couple of months, and I have been really toying with the idea of not picking it back up. It used to be so much fun for me… now it just seems like more of a time-taker than it used to. Who knows, come Christmas, I might feel differently.

I have been a terrible friend. I feel as if I have neglected the lot of you, been punchy and defensive lately, and I apologize. I can’t explain the changes going on in my head lately. All I know is that I need change, and I am exploring all the avenues of that. Reconnection is all around me: connecting with my past, examining my relationships and friendships and mourning the losses contained within all of them.

Grace is moving to Texas. I won’t lie to everyone and say that it doesn’t scare the bejesus out of me. She and I had a nice long talk Sunday evening, which did us both a lot of good. It’s a hard position to be in, taking care of someone for 7 years and then placed two states away and not being able to do that, in any way, shape and form. I know you guys probably don’t understand this, but being needed is an elemental part of me. It’s hard when someone who has needed you just flat out doesn’t anymore. It doesn’t matter who she is/was, it doesn’t matter if she has a wonderful girlfriend, if I have a wonderful girlfriend… it is still a connection that is hard to break. It is a process, and I am learning that it is not who I am anymore. Redefinition of your life is difficult, regardless of the reasons why.

Connection with a new person can also be difficult, but also filled with joy. Lindi and I had a great weekend in Wendover. Lindi won a $400 jackpot on the slots and I won around $100 on roulette in two days. We ate, talked, and just enjoyed time with each other. She is being extremely supportive as I am going through this process, kind and patient. She’s been through it herself, so it helps having her perspective.

Interestingly enough, I applied for a job at Cottonwood Hospital as an OR Data Coordinator. I laughed about it, since Lindi’s mom works as the head of the Nurses in the OR. I was thinking, great, I have someone to put in a good word for me. Turns out, she would be my BOSS, and she is in charge of the search committee! Now, there’s an interesting situation. She and I had a nice talk and I explained to her that business is business and personal is personal. I certainly don’t want her stressed about it. If the screening committee takes my application, approves it, and I go through the process to her interview, great. And if I am the best person for the job, then she can hire me. And if not, then she doesn’t have to. It’s really very simple, but as I am learning, NOTHING is simple for a Cancer!

So, there’s my life in a nutshell. I am thinking of using the blog as my temporary therapist… that is until I actually see one. It might help, who knows.


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