Won't You Be My Neighbor?


Time: 2:30 am, Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Place: Salt Lake City, Utah, the duplex next door

The story you are about to read is true. Names may or may not have been changed, depending on how I felt about it. I am tired, so this is the story as best to my recollection.


“BOOM!! BOOOM!! BOOOM!!”

Me: “Honey, you may want to check that out…”

Honey: “Uh huh…”

Me: “Did you hear that?”

Honey: “Uh huh…” *snore… roll over… go back to sleep*

Time: 3:00 am

I am awoken, again, but this time by red lights flashing. I finally get up when I hear a diesel engine idling in front of our house that doesn’t seem to want to drive away… I get to the window to see SWAT, ATF, DEA, the Health Department and the Fire Department all lined up and down our street

I lean over, shake Lindi awake and tell her, “You may want to see this…”

Looking closer, I see what the problem is – the duplex next door just got raided. Our neighbors, taken away in handcuffs, were shoved into a decontamination van to be stripped and powdered, then redressed for their trip to jail. Large bags were lining our driveway, drug testing kits were spread across the hood of a police van, a beautiful drug sniffing German Shepherd was making the rounds, and DEA and SWAT were patrolling, dressed in all black with hooded masks.

We were thrilled.

We had been trying to tell our landlord about these characters. No one who is 19 years old has a big screen TV worth over $5,000, even if that was all they used their money for. We could tell when a shipment came in because 10-20 cars would circulate through our parking lot, blocking our cars. Our landlord’s response? “Oh, they just have a lot of friends.”

Needless to say, it gave me great pleasure to call and wake his happy Mormon ass at 4:00 am to tell him that his duplex was just raided for drugs and he may want to call the police department in the morning. He was grateful for us being tenants and he was dumbfounded that those “nice boys” were into drugs. “They were referred by the other neighbor, M***.” Well, dumb-ass, why do you think he referred them? He’s a drug-dealer, too, and as soon as I can prove it, I’m getting his ass evicted.

I ventured out of my duplex and didn’t have too look far to talk to anyone since the Central Comm table was set up outside my front door. It went something like this:

Me: “Good Morning.”

DEA: “Good Morning.”

Me: “Can you tell me what’s going on here?”

DEA: “What do you think?” Smirk and wink.

Me: “I figured so.”

DEA: smile

ME: “Can you tell me if you executed a warrant?”

DEA: “Yes, ma’am, we did.”

Me: *thumbs up sign* “Can I just say thank you? We’ve been telling the landlord that we thought this was a drug house, but he wouldn’t listen.”

DEA: Chuckle and evil grin. “Well, he’s not going to be too pleased when he sees the apartment.”

Me: “Is it fixable?”

DEA: “Yeah, no problem.”

Me; “Great. Can I get you gentlemen some coffee or anything?”

DEA: “No thanks, ma’am, we brought our own.”

Me: “Okay, if you need anything, we’re awake.”

DEA: Chuckle. “I’ll bet you are!”

We woke Sarah up and had her look at what was going on, citing reason 2,914 not to do drugs. She was excited to see the activity until she realized that we may have been in danger. After all, meth labs do explode. Lindi and I explained that if they thought there was danger, they would have evacuated us. So, she and I took turns checking out the “hot boys in uniform”. Hey, I can still appreciate.

It was hard to get back to sleep, but we did and when I walked outside in the morning, you could tell something had gone on last night. Clothing, blankets and pillows were on the lawn, discarded Gatorade bottles and coffee cups were left (only a couple – and there were at least 20 people there last night – not bad) and a large fluorescent pink sign on the door:

NO ENTRY
BY ORDER OF THE SALT LAKE COUNTY HEALTH DEPARTMENT

Fabulous!

So, if anyone is in the valley and looking for a place, I know of one coming open soon…

Oh, and there are pictures. I will insert them when Lindi emails them to me this morning. Of course, I had to take pictures to put on my blog. I am a freak.


Drink of the day: Cafe' Mocha with an extra shot
CD on the Playa: Janet Damita Jo