Thursday, October 31, 2002

Lessons Learned

I have a bunch of things going through my head so I am just gonna say them. You may think you know what it's about, but you are probably wrong. If I don't do this, I will explode.

Anger is not my friend... I can't hold onto the anger to get me through something or to fuel my actions. I can't hold it in my heart or in my head... it hurts too much. I can't easily forgive, either. But I have found a solemn place of numb... and begin to allow myself to feel geniunely sad.

Just because you care for someone and would protect them at all costs does NOT mean they would do the same for you. And when they don't, and when they allow pain to come to you and don't recognize their role in the situation, that is a shame. No, it is more than a shame, it is an outrage. You should always stand by your friends, even when you don't understand them. And apologies are part of the deal, even if they can't be fully accepted.

Just because you care for someone once and have pledged your eternal friendship does not mean that is the way it will be. Disrespect and abuse is not part of friendship. You can be a bigger person and uphold your end of the bargain, but in the end, you can't control someone else. All you can control is the way you, as a lady, will handle yourself... knowing that you did everything you could to help someone, at your own expense, and still were unable to get through to them.

You can watch in morbid fascination as someone you cared for morph into someone you don't even know... spineless, full of lies and venom, and remember who they were... and miss them. It is okay to miss them. And know, in your heart, that they were a better person when you were in their life.

And you can walk away, with tears in your eyes, for the person they could have been... since they are settling for less, they can only be less. Karma has a funny way of bringing you the lessons you need to learn... the hard way. You may still want to care for and protect them... but remember, they don't care for and won't protect you.

My friendship is valuable. My love is priceless. Once you throw them both away, don't ever expect them to come back.

I am worth more.


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