Friday, December 13, 2002

Courtesy Of Lorene


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Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Connie is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of hers, Lorene. So everyone please put your hands together for Connie!
Jerry: Okay, now Connie you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
Connie: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other person’s name?
Connie: Dylan.
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well, Dylan is actually here tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Connie, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... JJ!
Connie: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere Connie pulls out a sword. JJ reaches for the couch. Out of the shadows Jeff appears.
Jeff: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here JJ.
JJ: Because I saw Connie and Jeff making out in San Diego!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
Jeff: That's a lie! I was home watching That 70's Show!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem JJ?
JJ: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Lorene who has recently become engaged to Jeff.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Lorene out here because Connie had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Dylan that's right!
Lorene: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards Connie) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Dylan! You know I'm how I feel about Dylan!
Jeff: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Dylan!
Lorene: Because I knew that I could never have Dylan. But Connie promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Jeff: What about respect for MY feelings!
JJ walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Lorene.
JJ: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
Jeff: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
Jeff runs across the room and wraps their arms around Connie tightly.
Jeff: Connie, take me away from all of this!
Connie: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
Jeff: Married?
Connie nods.
Jeff: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
Connie: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Dylan.
Lorene: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an inquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
Dylan: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well, we had sex 42 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Connie is married to Dylan who Lorene has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Lorene has recently become engaged to Jeff who was recently spotted kissing Connie in San Diego. Now on top of this JJ has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Lorene.
Dylan: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now... it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.


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