Monday, February 28, 2005

Getting Stronger

Well, here I am at work, plugging away. The last week has been a struggle (as is everything) but I am doing better each and every day. I've been working 4 hours a day and sometimes I feel like I can't catch anything up, but it's alright.

The wound specialist had me on silver banadges for a while, and now they have moved on to using actual human growth hormone in the wounds to help them heal faster. A tube of 1/2 ounce of this stuff is $500. I am not kidding. But man, I can sure tell a difference!

Last Monday, Lindi and I went shopping and bought a King Size bed. Wow. We are loving having all the space in the world to roll over and stretch out. We gave our bed to the neighbors, and with it, all the new bedding we bought ourselves for Christmas. We bought cream and gold bedding for our bed, and it opened our room right up! I haven't had a backache since getting the new bed and we are very pleased.

The weekend was really fun. Saturday Night we went out to dinner and to the Club for our friend Cindy who is moving to Alaska. I haven't been to the club in months, and Lindi and I had a great time. Of course, no alcohol for me, and I danced only one dance, but we had a blast. Some of my straight friends even came, so that was entertaining. Our table had 17 people at it, and we had others spread out all over the place, so it seemed like we took over the bar. It was awesome. Plenty of eye candy and lots of laughs.

I am determined to update more often, so stay tuned. I am on the mend!!! Much love out to Toni while she is recuperating and Lorene - because she won't go to the doctor even though she knows she should!

Sunday, February 20, 2005


19 days since my last post. Must be some kind of record...

So, it's 1am and I can't sleep. Seems to be the norm lately. I am sleeping a lot but just not at night. Luckily for me it's the weekend so I don't have to stress about not going to work tomorrow.

Things are... Well, things, I guess. I had a complication and they've had to remove 1/3 of the skin from around my left breast and a smaller section on my right. My surgeon didn't like the way it was healing... so she cut it off. Large open wounds. Yea. She did refer me to a wound care specialist, so when I'm not in bed, I'm either at work or at the dr's office. It doesn't look like I will lose any more tissue or skin, so that's good news. Bad news is I have to stay bandaged for another month. No Victoria Secret shopping sprees for me for a while.

All of this staying in bed and pain medication has worked a serious toll on my emotions. I am battling (and winning) a bout of deep depression, with the help of my beautiful wife and a few very close friends and family. I have come to accept a lot of truths and am still working some other things out, but I will be okay.

I feel well enough to work 4 hours a day, which helps ease the cabin fever a bit. I've been able to go out and visit people a little more than before, so it's been nice to have that interaction. Lord knows I haven't really sat down to read email until tonight... 422 in Yahoo and 57 in comcast. Wow. The Viagra salespeople really missed me. I must start checking it daily.

I think one thing I realized through my recovery is who in my life are real and who aren't. Sounds funny, I know, but what I mean is who in my life have extended a hand or a phone call during the recovery, who came to visit, who made an effort to be there for me - and who really didn't care enough to ask until they saw me. "Oh, yeah, you had that surgery, right?" Not that I penalize them for it, there are levels to all relationships. But it really makes me grateful for the true relationships I have and the people I know I can count on.

Some of those that I couldn't count on surprised me. I tried to keep all my friends in the "loop" as it were, so it was no surprise to anyone... and yet, no phone call or even an arbitrary get-well email. I have to question if they really cared or are just so wrapped up in their own lives that they really didn't give a damn. Even my online and blog buddies sent me notes of encouragement that meant the world to me - and I haven't met them IRL (Thank you by the way - you are sweethearts).

I question extending myself to people - availing myself - through the events that are important to them when they don't return the same.

I am not happy about being bound to a house or drugged up half the time, and I would think I would have oodles of people to rally around me. On the other hand, the pessimistic hand, I wonder if I am just not important enough to them to warrant it. And that makes me angry. Angry that I've spend time out of my life to support them in any way I can and they don't see my value.

I see my value, though, which is better than I've been in the past.

So, I am contented with the knowledge that I have a wife and daughter who love me, a family who supports me and a few, very close friends, who will probably never know how much I love them and appreciate everything they do for me.

This semi-reclusive life I've lead over the past 45 days or so has shown me one thing I guess - my true friends and my self esteem.

Just something I am batting around in my head at 1am.