Thursday, October 31, 2002

Lessons Learned

I have a bunch of things going through my head so I am just gonna say them. You may think you know what it's about, but you are probably wrong. If I don't do this, I will explode.

Anger is not my friend... I can't hold onto the anger to get me through something or to fuel my actions. I can't hold it in my heart or in my head... it hurts too much. I can't easily forgive, either. But I have found a solemn place of numb... and begin to allow myself to feel geniunely sad.

Just because you care for someone and would protect them at all costs does NOT mean they would do the same for you. And when they don't, and when they allow pain to come to you and don't recognize their role in the situation, that is a shame. No, it is more than a shame, it is an outrage. You should always stand by your friends, even when you don't understand them. And apologies are part of the deal, even if they can't be fully accepted.

Just because you care for someone once and have pledged your eternal friendship does not mean that is the way it will be. Disrespect and abuse is not part of friendship. You can be a bigger person and uphold your end of the bargain, but in the end, you can't control someone else. All you can control is the way you, as a lady, will handle yourself... knowing that you did everything you could to help someone, at your own expense, and still were unable to get through to them.

You can watch in morbid fascination as someone you cared for morph into someone you don't even know... spineless, full of lies and venom, and remember who they were... and miss them. It is okay to miss them. And know, in your heart, that they were a better person when you were in their life.

And you can walk away, with tears in your eyes, for the person they could have been... since they are settling for less, they can only be less. Karma has a funny way of bringing you the lessons you need to learn... the hard way. You may still want to care for and protect them... but remember, they don't care for and won't protect you.

My friendship is valuable. My love is priceless. Once you throw them both away, don't ever expect them to come back.

I am worth more.


Sitting at my desk, finishing our potluck lunch and thought I would Blog for a second. Of course, as usual, I am the only one dressed up, as a vampiress (my favorite costume always) complete with fangs and BIG HAIR. I even colored my hair, put the red and blonde back in it, and wearing the Little Black Dress with some antique jewelry from The Mom.

Tonight should be fun... Lindi, Sarah, Matt and I are getting together and watching scarey movies and giving out candy. Apparently their little place gets hit hard each year, so that should be fun. And Lindi said something about a fantasy about being bit... lol. Dream on, these fangs hurt!

Hope all is well with you and yours this Halloween!!

Tuesday, October 29, 2002


Had to sign up under another service, tho. I couldn't remember my name and password. Duh.


Thought I would update y'all on the goings on.

Well, I won't be going to Phoenix with Lindi, it looks like I will stay home and A: miss her horribly and B: help JJ move. I really don't mind, there is just too much going on right now for me to up and leave. Besides, where there is a move involved, I am there, usually feeding everyone. What can I say... Virgo trait.

I checked into a little house today and I might actually qualify for it. Now I just have to get the balls to do something about it. Nice 3 bedroom 2 bath, unfinished basement but all on one level. Perfect for the three of us. Or me and a computer room and an AVON room. Huh huh. I could have a hottub and have wild all-girl parties. Yeah, whatever. I think I will have to get my tranny fixed on my car first, though. She seems to be having trouble.

Plans, plans.. Halloween: Giving out the candy with Lin and Sarah and her boyfriend Matt. How fun will THAT be? Did I mention that Sarah has a boyfriend? He gives me stress. He's a nice enough boy, don't get me wrong, but all I can think about is the day she comes home and tells me she's pregnant or engaged or going to live in sin at the age of 16. I know, I worry too much. But isn't that my job? No, I don't mean as a mom-figure. I mean as Connie? *snicker*

And thank you to Lorene, JJ and Jennifer for always being there, even at a moments notice. It's nice to have a reminder of who your friends really are regardless of what turmoil is around. And big thanks to Lindi for being the most incredible woman in the world, full of love and understanding, withholding any judgement and holding me until I fell asleep. Safe and Loved are nice places to be.

Random Thoughts

As Lorene so aptly put it: The Motto of the day is "Good Riddence to Bad Rubbish!"

"I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness."

If you thought Hurricane Connie was a natural disaster, you ain't seen nothin' yet! I am just gettin' started!

Thursday, October 24, 2002

Oh, My Ever-Loving Ears

So, Little Miss Sarah had her first Concert Choir performance last night. I have to say that I don't recall such a group of devoted, proud, badly off-tune soloists EVER to have performed in one space. Sarah was fantastic, she has a lovely voice, but, man, the rest of those kids should have been shot. I gave her a beautiful bouquet of roses, lilies and daisies... she loved them and was quite embarassed. I also got the chance to meet Sarah's father. Oh, my GAWD, I hope I have little contact with the guy. He creeps me out completely. His parents are nice enough, but he is a complete idiot. He actually slept through the performance, and I didn't have the heart to tell the truth when Sarah asked about him. "Oh, yes, he watched the whole thing..." Shit.

Then we all went back to Lindi's, ate Arby's sandwiches, watched the Golden Girls and cuddled on her bed.

I am thinking I like this Mom thing. *grin* I think I am right where I belong.

And the Winner Is...

I had a second interview for the position at Cottonwood. Out of 178 applicants, 8 were interviewed. Out of those, 2 were sent to a second interview. I made it to the final 2. I still haven't heard, but I know they are checking on the applicants a little more thoroughly (Thanks, Dez for the AWESOME reference!). Then, apparently, one of the 8 who received a first interview felt se should have gotten a second interview, whined to some friends in suits, and now they may have to interview a third. Shit. I will keep you all posted on the job scene.


Wednesday, October 23, 2002

The Center of Everything

At the core of everything in my life is my connection with my family and friends. When one, or more, of those connections are screwed up, so is my energy and my perspective. It is amazing how aligning your relationships can turn your world into a better place.

Things I Am Grateful For:

1. Soft hand-made fleece blankets to wrap around your shoulders on cold nights, made by loving hands with a loving heart (Thanks, honey, I love it!)
2. New friends who add a spark of joy to your otherwise dreary days.
3. Old friends who know your heart so well, they feel both your pain and your happiness and can tell you how to get from one to the other.
4. Plain cake donuts and an icey cold Diet Coke.
5. Enough money in your pocket to buy the homeless man behind you in line the coffee he's holding at the 7-11 and the donut of his choice (My random act of kindness for today).
6. Halloween. No, scratch that. Autumn in general. Falling leaves, chilly evenings, fires in the fireplaces and being in love.
7. The ability to recognize your past and know you have grown by leaps and bounds.
8. Barton. (Don't choke, Lorene) Without him, I wouldn't recognize number 7.
9. Cold little poodle noses in the morning.
10. To Be Continued...

Friday, October 18, 2002

Oh My Fucking Hell...

I have been thrown back into the job search world. No, I didn't lose my job, although sometimes I wish the Cranky Greek Man would just fire me... I have an interview today for a local hospital as their OR Data Coordinator. Tha ttitle should be: Keeper of all Knowledge of All Thing Surgical. I think I like that. Send me lots and lots of energy.

I had a wonderful lunch with JJ yesterday, nice to have a friend who just calls and says, "Let's Eat!" It's good for someone like me who hasn't really given much thought to food in general lately. Thanks, JJ for the honest talk and openness. I need that right now. No complications. Just good Brazilian Food.

Going to a Tupperware party tonight. What has my life turned into??

I need to fix my comments section.

And I need a pap smear.

Any questions?

Thursday, October 17, 2002

Well, Hello...

So, sitting in my car, I have a 45 minute conversation with a trusted friend about what I have been going through the last 4 months and I have come to realize that I am not an island. I know. Big shock.

For those of you who love me and read this blog, hoping to find a glimmer of what is going on in my life, I need to express some feelings right now. My energy is depleted and in turmoil and I am trying to sort out my life. All I can really say is that I trust my friends understand that it has really nothig to do with them.

I am in a weird place. I am not sure in which direction to move my life. I have a past that is haunting me, and a new situation that I didn't expect to be dealing with. I want to be able to express my ideas and emotions, but I honestly don't want to drag anyone down with me.

And then, my talkative friend asked me the question, "Are you the only one who needs to be needed?"

Well, shit.

No, I guess not. So, I am sorry that I have removed myself from involving you guys in my life, simply because I wanted to deal with things on my own and in my own time. It's not that I never valued your advise or friendship. It's not that I don't trust that what you have to say has bearing on my situation. I am 30-fucking years old and there has got to be a time when I stand on my own god-damned feet and either jump, waltz or run in the direction on my own.

Forgive me, but I have not done anything to purposefully hurt a single soul. It my soul I am trying to work on right now, and dig down to the bottom of it. It's make or break time. I have got to do this now or I won't be able to move on.

Monday, October 14, 2002

A Wonderful Weekend… and a Lot of Contemplation

I apologize for not blogging lately. My life has been really hectic. The Mom had surgery, which always seems to put undue stress on me, whether by my need to take care of her, or other expectations that I have to.

Work has been going as well as can be expected, I suppose. I celebrated my one year anniversary on the 8th and was given a dozen red roses… and no raise. *shrug* I knew THAT was going to happen. Generally, though, things have been smoother than before, and there has been less stress and more business.

I decided to take a break from AVON for the next couple of months, and I have been really toying with the idea of not picking it back up. It used to be so much fun for me… now it just seems like more of a time-taker than it used to. Who knows, come Christmas, I might feel differently.

I have been a terrible friend. I feel as if I have neglected the lot of you, been punchy and defensive lately, and I apologize. I can’t explain the changes going on in my head lately. All I know is that I need change, and I am exploring all the avenues of that. Reconnection is all around me: connecting with my past, examining my relationships and friendships and mourning the losses contained within all of them.

Grace is moving to Texas. I won’t lie to everyone and say that it doesn’t scare the bejesus out of me. She and I had a nice long talk Sunday evening, which did us both a lot of good. It’s a hard position to be in, taking care of someone for 7 years and then placed two states away and not being able to do that, in any way, shape and form. I know you guys probably don’t understand this, but being needed is an elemental part of me. It’s hard when someone who has needed you just flat out doesn’t anymore. It doesn’t matter who she is/was, it doesn’t matter if she has a wonderful girlfriend, if I have a wonderful girlfriend… it is still a connection that is hard to break. It is a process, and I am learning that it is not who I am anymore. Redefinition of your life is difficult, regardless of the reasons why.

Connection with a new person can also be difficult, but also filled with joy. Lindi and I had a great weekend in Wendover. Lindi won a $400 jackpot on the slots and I won around $100 on roulette in two days. We ate, talked, and just enjoyed time with each other. She is being extremely supportive as I am going through this process, kind and patient. She’s been through it herself, so it helps having her perspective.

Interestingly enough, I applied for a job at Cottonwood Hospital as an OR Data Coordinator. I laughed about it, since Lindi’s mom works as the head of the Nurses in the OR. I was thinking, great, I have someone to put in a good word for me. Turns out, she would be my BOSS, and she is in charge of the search committee! Now, there’s an interesting situation. She and I had a nice talk and I explained to her that business is business and personal is personal. I certainly don’t want her stressed about it. If the screening committee takes my application, approves it, and I go through the process to her interview, great. And if I am the best person for the job, then she can hire me. And if not, then she doesn’t have to. It’s really very simple, but as I am learning, NOTHING is simple for a Cancer!

So, there’s my life in a nutshell. I am thinking of using the blog as my temporary therapist… that is until I actually see one. It might help, who knows.